I will admit that I don’t particularly want to be called ‘stupid.’ It’s happened and I have certainly done some very stupid things in my life and chances are that won’t stop completely, even if I don’t view them as stupid.
So when my youngest child started calling not only me, but pretty much everything stupid when she got angry I had to do a bit of a check in. Where is the word exposure coming from? Do I feel stupid? What does the word stupid really mean – to me and to her?
It was obvious that it was a verbal expression of anger or unrest. She said it when she got upset. I know from experience that any inner resistance I put up is not going to help so I acknowledged that I didn’t like what she was saying while I pondered creative ways to get her to say something else…
Can you tell me how you are feeling? Are you feeling angry? Can you please say that you are feeling angry instead of the word ‘stupid’?
Oops! Put the focus back on stupid – that doesn’t help very much.
Then I decided to just let it go, understanding that she would work through it and in not giving it energy the name calling would dissipate faster.
And I noticed something very interesting.
She has a process and when I do not interfere in that process through fully accepting her, as well as my own feelings, in the moment something magical happens.
“You are stupid, stupid, stupid.”
I accept where she’s at internally with no words or actions.
Next, she says…
“You are okay. You are nice. I love you.”
What a shift! All in a matter of moments. That is called ‘walking up the emotional scale’ by Esther and Jerry Hicks, who wrote the book The Astonishing Power of Emotions: Let Your Feelings Be Your Guide. A person feels bad and reaches for relief. In acknowledging the negative emotion and not pushing against it by saying or doing something to change it, my daughter is able to walk up the scale with no help from me – naturally.
Our children have their own process and we need to figure out our own process to give them permission on an energetic level to actually honor their process. It is very circular and may seem kind of funny, but we really are their guides – in every sense, whether we are talking, acting or just being.
How can you honor and refine your own process so you do not interfere with your child’s?
Much Love,
Amy
Posts at Innate Wholeness are shared with the intention of creating a shift in awareness. Please take what speaks to you and leave the rest. Thanks!
[...] She Has a Process. Is there a word that triggers negative feelings in you when your children use it? This is how Amy learned to trust her child’s ability to move through a gut reaction of negativity towards more constructive language. [...]
January 21st, 2011 permalink