Unacceptable
Have you ever found yourself feeling like your child’s behavior is simply unacceptable? Maybe it’s hitting, whining, yelling, or something else that really gets under your skin…
How do we develop the idea and feeling of ‘unacceptable’? Definitely the culture of origin, our upbringing, moral values or religious beliefs – and maybe just a feeling that what we’re experiencing isn’t quite right.
Unacceptable breeds a feeling of “NO!” It may accompany thoughts like… “I hate, I can’t stand, There is no way this can continue, I do not like, or I am not having this…”
In terms of energy it is a form of resistance to what we cannot accept internally in the moment we are resisting. Is this bad? No. It simply is what it is. Staying in the feeling of non-acceptance continues the resistance and leads to feeling stress, sadness, anger, angst, or frustration. If we focus on what we will not accept we keep it present in our experience (including behavior we find grating or undesirable).
Whatever the case, when we feel like a behavior is unacceptable we can take steps to alleviate the feelings we have and direct our attention towards what we want to have happen with our children. We can learn to accept the fact that our child is behaving (being a certain way in a given moment in time) and that the way she is being is not an indicator of how she’ll be all day, just how she’s being in this moment.
The key to turning the feeling of unacceptable into one of internal acceptance and positive action is much like turning the key to the door of our home when what we want most is to be in the comfort of our surroundings. You know the feeling… you’ve been gone for a while and there’s an edge to your being that you know will be soothed once your body is inside the door. You have the same key to your peace. It starts with turning the key.
Turn the key from “This is unacceptable” to “This is what is happening now and for that reason and that reason alone I will accept that it is happening. Ahhh, that brings a feeling of relief even though I want to change what is happening.”
Then turn the key a bit farther as you ease into the feeling of relief coupled with knowing you are taking action to influence what you want to have happen. When we focus on the desired behavior we release the resistance created with “XYZ behavior is unacceptable!” While a statement like that does give information it also keeps the focus on what we don’t want! You can turn the key more and feel the truth of a statement that softens the situation like, “We don’t hit in our family because it hurts and drives people apart.”
Keep turning… what feels acceptable? Is it acceptable for your child to talk about how he feels and what he wants to have happen when he’s upset enough to hit? Is it acceptable for your child to speak up and ask for what he wants in a regular voice? Is it acceptable for your child to speak in a lower voice? Focus your energy there as you turn the key towards information that allows your child and you the space to create a new way of communicating about “the unacceptable.”
Walk in the door. You’re there, it’s your house, and it’s all good. Just choose to turn the key so you can enter … and accept. 